Always
by not falling in love
Summary: What if Max managed to overcome her X7 counterpart? My take on a 'what if'. Spoilers up and including '...And Jesus Bought a Casserole'.


_A/N:_

_What if Max wasn't captured in Manticore? What if, on the night of her and Zack breaking into Manticore, she managed to better her X7 counterpart, and fought her way free, only to encounter another contingent of X7s? What if Zack sacrificed himself, like he did in the actual series, for Max, and told her that he loved her, before being killed by his own X7 clone?_

_What if Lydecker still announced them KIA, and Logan was just starting to grieve?_

_My take on a 'what if'._

_Spoilers to the end of Season 1 (_…And Jesus Bought a Casserole).

_Disclaimer: It don't belong to me. If it did, we'd already be watching Season 3. _

_And when you're finished, please please please review. I can't write better stuff if no one reviews!_

_Also, do note that this is an oneshot. I will write more Dark Angel fic, but this was intended purely as a snapshot of what could be._

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He sat down heavily on the couch, and put his head in his hands.

The incessant rain of Seattle pummelled against the glass, the clear liquid flowing like sorrow itself.  
Logan thought he knew about depression.

He had gone through a phase where he has seriously contemplated suicide. He thought he knew everything about feeling as if the world was coming to an end.

He was wrong.

Never before had he felt this kind of despair. It was like a gaping hole in the middle of his mind, a place where there was only a vacuum, because he was trying so hard to forget it was like hacking at the memories with an icepick. He wanted to forget everything about Max, her laugh, her smile, her voice… but somehow, she was entwined around the essence of him, and she refused to let go.

_Even in death._

The moment when Lydecker had uttered that simple military term… _KIA_… his world had ended. It felt like several nuclear bombs had detonated simultaneously in his heart, ripping it to bloody pieces. He had tried to keep a neutral face, a mask to cover the fact that there wasn't anything behind it.

He took a few deep breaths, because thinking about all of this was stopping the simple rhythm of inhale and exhale. He looked up at the window, and watched the endless waves of water make its way down the glass. There was a pattern in it, some divine thing that made it all seem the same.

He sighed.

There just weren't any words that could explain what he felt.

He took off his glasses, and even with his eyes closed, could feel his eyes becoming unfocussed and the world being softened by blur.

When he opened his eyes again, there appeared to be a black shape in front of him. The shape was indistinct, but it looked strangely familiar. It looked like…

He took a sharp breath in.

Fumbling for his glasses, he shoved them on his nose. The shape sharpened, took on definition and resolved itself to become the one person who he really wanted to see.

_Is it too early for hallucinations? _One small cynical part of him wondered, but that part was overruled by the rest of him which felt a rush of joy just like sun cutting through clouds.

"Max?" he whispered incredulously.

She collapsed on the couch next to him, and started to cry into his shoulder. Great sobs wracked her body, and Logan could never believe that she had ever seemed this frail. His arms slowly went around her shoulders, as he had no idea how to comfort her.

The crying lasted for what seemed like forever, but he was still marvelling. _She was alive!_ Suddenly, the black hole in the centre of him disappeared, the bomb unexploded itself and all of the tattered memories came rushing back, and he just sat there, almost shell shocked.

After a while, Max lifted her head from his shoulder, and with childlike resolve, she brushed the tears away from her eyes.

"He died for me, Logan," she said rustily, as if her voice had not been used for a while. "While I stood there and did nothing, Zack sacrificed himself for _me_. Surely, I'm not worth that kind of love."

He didn't say anything. He just sat there and looked at her, drinking in everything; the gash down her cheek, the way her bottom lip still trembled as if she still was crying… he had her back, and everything was going to be okay.

"I loved him as a brother, but he loved me in a different way. I'm still not worth that. He _died for me_."

"What happened?" he asked simply, resisting the impulse to stroke her cheek lightly, knowing that that would probably be the worst thing he could do at the moment.

"We had just blown Manticore," she said hollowly, "and we were in the forests, trying to get out. We were intercepted by a contingent of X7s. They were copies of us, Logan, _copies_. They kept our DNA on file just to…" she swallowed, before continuing. "We overcame them, and kept on going. But then we ran into another group of them. They… were stronger. We were almost beaten. But Zack ate a bullet for me, and I should have saved him. I just left him there…"

They sat for a while in silence, while Logan scrounged around for some words that would make her feel better. He couldn't find any. He just said what he felt and hoped that it would be good enough.

"Max," he said firmly, "we're all human. Even a genetically engineered killing machine. We all make mistakes, especially when you're on an adrenaline high. Zack sacrificed himself for you, and he wouldn't want you to save him, when he had just done that to save you. You'll have time to grieve for him, just as he would have wanted. Just focus on the one thing: you're alive."

He made a little half turn towards her, so that they were face-on. Her eyes were averted, staring steadily at the coffee table. Logan reached forward a hand and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her hair, leaving his hand where it was.

"I thought you were dead," he told her, now that her gaze was on him. "They said that you don't know what you've got until it's gone, and I know now that they were right. It took the knowledge of knowing that you were dead to make me realise…" he swallowed. "I love you," he said, "and I have ever since you broke into my apartment and jumped out of that window. I loved you before I found out what you were, and after that."

She smiled. "I would have killed before tonight to hear those words. Now it just seems so… _right_, so natural, to hear them."

Max leaned forward, and kissed him. Unlike before, this was slow, and passionate, and he could practically hear her heart beating.

Suddenly, she pulled away and whispered fiercely, "I love you too. Know that."

"Always," he said, before leaning in to kiss her again.


End file.
